{ a perpetual goodwill and beautiful thinking }

Havoc and Bright Lights


These entire year and six months has been an entire roller-coaster ride for me. I get in a long queue; preparing on every little inches of risks I'll make, and thinking about how I can manage to do all of this things in a jiff. Then, as the ride starts to move, dozens of thoughts and regrets came to my mind as I say, "Oh no, what have I done?" followed by a humongous BAM! (or insert any other sound effects you may find amusing). Life turns around and around and hits me on the stomach, or perhaps every inches of my body.

I know this sounds like a hyperbole, but I felt this way. I was taking a lot of risks since absolutely a year ago, when I decided to challenge myself by picking up an unusual theme for my final assignment; which involving old manuscripts, traditional and particularly old languages, and other either little or significant things that I finally found out as the project goes on. I said farewell to the convenient children's book design or visual identity, which were my very first thoughts when it comes to final project. The journey then followed by a series of sleepless nights and weekends staying at home. By the end of the pre-final project semester, I gave birth to a raw, unfinished but outlined thesis which will be my final project guidance throughout the following year. I was quite satisfied with the result, knowing that I've sacrifice my sleep hours and outing with friends and colleagues for this.

December 2015 had passed, and it was a brand new year to approach. I got this sudden feeling in the gut (and of course, my mind) that I have to, at least, travel much more often, before final project drags me back to my hermitic life. So, as you may have seen in my past posts, I risk the last semesters of my study to went places. Surprisingly, it was quite a new record for me to visit numeral places in a year. (Related post: Travel)

Risk taking game is getting much more serious, just like the time roller-coaster starts to rise. I spent the last semester, which was internship semester, to go way beyond my comfort zone; living all alone in a well known commercialised district in Southern Jakarta, and having nuisance commuters between South Jakarta-Tangerang and vice versa. Even though the internship didn't end as I expected due to my asthma and other allergic reactions that time (Related post: It Starts and Ends With An 'A'), I learnt way much more than I ever think of. Beside, it was the very first time I ever had ngebolang sessions in Jakarta, a thing I never do even once in my life; with or without friends. On instance, the time I was craving for a bowl of ramen and leaped all the way to a trending ramen restaurant in SCBD. Or the time I purposely spare some of my savings to do book shopping spree. It was such an unforgettable endeavour for me, as a spoiled brat who always live in my comfort zone in Tangerang.

Now, I am currently standing in the highest position of risk-taking in my university life; the final execution for my final project. Yes, it was still a roller-coaster ride, with the final project as the drop, the helter skelter, the loop, whatever the name might be, it should be the scariest ones. I'd spent the last two months confined in my study, doing all the best that I could for this. Just as I expected, I cut myself for a while from the society (in a way that doesn't make me an utter sociopath), showing up at the campus only on Friday, frequently cancelling plans, and of course, holding the urge to travel and other things related to wanderlust fulfilment, at least for some quite time.

I got depressed two weeks prior to the visual defence day. I was, and always been a procrastinator my whole life, and this stupid perk hits me so hard in the face. I was far from what I call 'finished works', or what my university said: 80% or more. Reality suddenly brings me back to the ground after all of these 2 months flying around in snail-speed. I didn't even do revisions on my thesis yet. The last two weeks of work felt like earthly hell.

The judgement day (or maybe I could call it rapture because it scared the hell of me) finally came last Friday (after being postponed for about 3 days due to a reason, as I mentioned in the previous post). Long short story, the thesis defence ended in a very ordinary way. I felt no pressure at all. It started and ended well. Thank you, God. It actually doesn't end yet, there's still a big final exhibition held by the end of this year, and I'm pretty sure I'm ready for it.

As the giant roller-coaster ride that takes me upside down for these past times finally slowed down and stopped, I feel a strong, proud relief. By the end of havocs will come bright lights; thanks Alanis Morisette for teaching me this phrase, it's beautiful. Life's a bowl of cherries, and it came from hard works and sacrifices that you've made. This absolutely will not be the last giant roller-coaster ride I'll take a chance on.


Surakarta, 8 November 2016
Writing this in the midst of my personal retreat in my hometown.
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Photos are taken at Yogyakarta, November 2016
All images © 2013-2016 Claudia Novreica